Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Beginning again... No, continuing my journey...

          My husband didn't know I was on Weight Watchers again for over a month.  I hid my books and supplies from him and just told him I was watching what I ate (which explained not going out as much and tons more veggies in the fridge).  The reason I was so secretive was that when I mentioned going back to WW to him before, he'd blown up about how we are so bad about seeing things through and he didn't want to waste the money on Weight Watchers because we weren't really going to do it.  We hadn't done it last time, so why believe that this time was any different? 
          That was honestly his thinking on the issue, and so when I signed up online the night of my 34th birthday, I said nothing.  I said nothing as I slipped out to the meeting the next day and the next few weeks.  When the monthly pass card showed up in the mail, I was gone somewhere.  I came home and it was sitting quietly on the island in the kitchen, and he didn't say a word for a few days after.  He broached the subject pretty sneakily, asking how many Points Plus the sandwich I was eating had.  I told him and continued eating, but didn't dignify his pointed question with a longer response.  It's probably childish, but since he'd made it clear he wasn't going to be encouraging from the beginning, I wasn't going to allow him to take part in the process at all this time.  He eats what I prepare, and is happy we're eating at home more, but he doesn't ask many questions and I don't offer much information.  I have people I can go to who encourage me and cheer me on for the little successes - and I can tell he's happy that I'm taking care of myself.  He's made comments about my pants falling off and stuff like that, but he doesn't ask how my weigh-in went or what topics we've discussed at the meetings.
          I know he loves me... and I know him well enough to know that I don't need the negativity and pessimism that talking to him about fitness and weight loss brings.  I have realized that I don't have to be perfect to do this.  Finally!  I can't live as a perfectionist anymore when it comes to my health, and so I continue my journey, stumbling here and there.  I ask myself (and you) these questions:  If you have returned to a weight loss program (like Weight Watchers) over and over, losing and gaining the same 20, 30, 40 pounds again and again - Do you feel like a failure?  Where would you have been if you HADN'T kept coming back?  How many times did it take for you to realize that you didn't have to be perfect to succeed, and how did you come to that realization?

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